My Death of a Vision

By Cassandra Kaur

My Personal Experience

Jeremiah 29:11-14
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and will find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord "and will bring you back from captivity".

John 12:24 - "I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies it produces many seeds."

here is an insightful article in the Archive at this fellowship site that simply but powerfully crystallizes what the "Death of a Vision" is in the life of a Christian, why one might experience it and what the subsequent consequences and fruits of such an experience is. You may do well to read it and study in detail the scripture references that follow there before reading this. It will give you much insight as well as background information concerning what I am about to share.

When a committed Christian, who has a call upon his life, is led by the Lord through a "Death Of A Vision" experience, but does not recognize it or understand it, he may be inclined to grow progressively depressed and disillusioned with the Lord and with his Christian life, and may allow bitterness and anger to take root in his heart hindering the great work that the Lord seeks to do in him through such an experience. There is nothing that the Lord allows you to experience in this life that is in vain. If you have given your life over to Him and find that your every vision and passion is being brought to death rather then to life, and that you are finding it hard to press on because the pain of this loss and the seeming lack of fruitfulness in your walk with Him is leaving you baffled and troubled and causing your heart to grow cold towards Him, then my sharing here is specially for you.

I pray that you will be encouraged and will be strengthened as you come to understand and realize that the Lord has been and always will be for you and not against you and that your faithfulness to Him, despite having had it difficult in life, has not gone unnoticed, neither will it remain un-rewarded. He has always been with you, has not forsaken you and desires for you to return to Him. He knows the plans He has for you and He so very much longs for you to enter into an intimate relationship with Him-to trust Him once again with your life and dreams.

I would like to share here with you some of my own experiences.

Anyone who knew me especially when I was a pre-teen would remember immediately that I was a dreamer. I used to constantly look around at the state of affairs of my own life, and the life of those around me, and would constantly dream and hope for better things. I would paint pictures in my mind and would visualize a better, safer, more loving and accommodating world. I guess in some ways I was an idealist – believing always that the best was yet to come and that if you'd only just put your mind to doing something- anything was possible.

I was convinced that only lazy people would never get anywhere in this life- the rest of us, including me - we were going to change this world! Yes! We were going to leave a mark...leave with a loud bang...leave behind a blazing trail....leave something...leave anything!:-)We will feed all the poor people, love all the lonely people, hug all the loveless people and accept all the rejected people. At least that was what I had planned for myself . After all, I had first hand experience in being all of the above and would be sharing with heart knowledge not head knowledge. I would mean what I say and would do what I do from the heart. I felt no one could possibly fault that kind of sincerity. I guess you can say that this was MY vision and my passion as an unbeliever. I personalized it, embraced it, thought a lot about it, dreamt dreams about it - it gave my life meaning and purpose at a time when I craved both.

I was intent on making a difference in this world; of making a positive impact, making a lasting impact -making sure that my life counted for something. But I was only a young teenager at that point. So my dream remained precisely that for that moment - a dream. I told myself that for the next period of time, I was going to concentrate on my studies and do very well at that -why how else am I gonna be famous enough and rich enough one day to make a difference? To stand out? Yes- I had it all planned and figured out :-)

I soon found out growing up though, that I did not have the caliber to do anything important enough to become famous. In fact I was lucky to just be accepted as even being normal :-) My intentions were good and my heart was in the right place, but I did not have the talents in the natural or the charisma and consistency required of a leader to succeed or rise up in any capacity in this world.

Sure I was leader in school and functioned in it successfully to some extent. I was a natural at it and enjoyed it but unfortunately I was not always accepted by those who were in leadership positions above me. I was doing what I was doing in a way that had not been done before and I had a mind of my own. Come to think of it even when I did what I was told to do...I was still disliked :-)

I was rejected and put down again and again and even when I did all the right things and said all that was expected of me I still could not get it right. Those were very interesting days indeed. On the one hand I was a success among my peers - a champion for their causes; on the other hand the adults who were around me hated me with a vengeance for not being a conventional champion!! I was very confused.

I needed the affirmation and the love of adults at that point to rise up and have my leadership skills molded then released. I needed to hear that I could make a difference - that my life was special and that I had proven that I could do something great if I'd only put my mind to it. I heard the exact opposite- that I was a failure bent on making life difficult for others and should just shut up and leave the world alone. I wanted to save the world but realized instead that the world needed being saved from me!!!

For a 15 year old such realizations were very painful to bear. I had to forget about the world because I felt that the world had rejected me and did not want my help. I decided to forget about my personal vision and had little trouble doing so as I soon noticed that I had trouble running my own life and could not possibly make a positive impact in the lives of others. The world, I felt, would indeed be safer without me meddling in its affairs. So I withdrew from it and went about
my own business in a quieter, more conventional way.

Later in life, when I found and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ , I knew that I had found, amongst many other things, the answer to life's many great questions and perplexities. And I felt that I had found the reason and the motivation to once again remember the vision I once had and to make it come back to life again. Only this time I was not going to walk down this road alone; Jesus would be there to help me and I would have the mandate and power from on high to make a difference in this world. Who could possibly stop me now?

Ever since I could remember I had a soft spot for children and I believed if anyone in this world deserved to receive and experience unconditional love and acceptance it should be them. I had an intense desire to start orphanages around the world starting with the poorer nations and I was particularly drawn to Africa and started reading about that large continent and the work that had already been done there. I got in touch with World Vision International and some other organizations, began sponsoring children in Africa, and started reading up as much as I could on the subject to prepare myself to get involved in such a venture after graduating from the University.

I got involved in children's ministry at church and attended a course. I was thrilled when the Lord spoke to me in a prophecy and revealed to me that I was indeed called to minister to children and I went forward with great enthusiasm to prepare myself to "raise up His little ones for Him". I even began to prepare short sermons about how we needed to reach out to children and how important it is that this age group was also reached .

Finally! I began to see a little of my initial vision that I had as an unbeliever, and now as a young believer, come together, unfold and gain momentum right before my eyes. My life was indeed beginning to make more sense. I had a purpose and a passion to start something I could call my own. I got myself into position to minister and looked to the Lord to launch me whenever He felt it was time. But the Lord continually reminded me that there were other things He wanted me to do and that I was in the midst of a preparation phase for something far greater then I could possibly understand at that time. To put it simply the Lord did not allow me to be launched into fulfilling such a vision and ultimately I had to lay the vision to rest and walk away from it. I was disappointed to say the least but tried not to make too much of it.

Not fully understanding what the Lord had in mind for me to do in the long run I decided to just go with the flow and see where the Lord leads me. The next few years saw me getting more actively involved in church and slowly found myself drawn to the idea of working with and ministering to youths. I found that the nature of my job in the secular required me to spend much time with difficult and particularly delinquent youths and that I was able to communicate well with them and was making some difference in their lives.

Eventually I prayerfully sought the Lord about this and as I attempted to move into ministering full-time in my church I was not surprised when the youth pastor, who hardly knew me at that point, was happy to have me on board and pushed for me to come on staff. It seemed that this door was opened by the Lord but I wanted to be sure. So I made a special effort to attend a prophetic seminar conducted by a team of Prophets sent by Bill Hamon and asked the Lord to speak to me through these anointed men of God. And there I received a detailed prophecy where, to put it simply, my desire to minister to the youths was confirmed and affirmed.

I moved forward once again with great enthusiasm and then it happened again but his time it happened more abruptly. It (the vision and the call) suddenly started to die on me. I thought that Satan had got in and was attempting to rob me of what was rightfully mine and this time I tried hard to keep the vision alive. I thought that I had sinned and tried hard to make amends to show the Lord that I was indeed serious and committed to the vision He had given me but ALL doors to any youth ministry closed on every side. The Lord asked me to stop striving and abort the vision.

I was thoroughly disillusioned and very upset. So upset that for a few months thereafter I could not eat properly and literally walked around like a zombie not being to do or say much- I was alive on the outside but had died on the inside. I had just left a very well paying and established career to join the ministry and so many people were observing me as they looked up to me as an example to follow. I was so humiliated and I was very, very angry with myself. I did not even dare to talk to Him neither did I have the heart to do so since I felt that I had just messed up big time or so I thought.

When I finally recovered from the initial numbness and sadness I told the Lord that I could not follow Him anymore. I obviously did not have what it takes to be His follower and could not do anything of any worth for Him even though I sincerely sought after His will and His heart. I was absolutely tapped out emotionally and had given up on life. So great a failure am I, I thought to myself, that even the God of this universe cannot rescue me from myself. I was angry with myself for being a failure, with the Lord for not using me, and angry at the world for always being so quick to judge me. I was getting nowhere and seemed to be running around in circles. I had failed as a youth and now as an adult. I prepared myself to move away from Christianity and to forget (once again) about making an impact in this world. Basically I felt that -"I was finished"!!

The Lord allowed me time to recuperate emotionally and to catch up on lost sleep and lost strength. During those weeks He was silent and I went about my life and my usual routine and began to take interest in those things that I had long forgotten about. Took up some new hobbies, caught up with old friends, did some reading of novels that had sat on my shelf collecting dust ;-) But I was still very sad and was crying quietly within.

It was about four months later that the Lord led be to a prophetic intercessor. She had invited me over to just chat with her for fun and have some tea. But instead, the Lord moved through her and told me that this was a divinely ordained appointment' with Him and He spoke to me right there oh so lovingly and wooed me back into His arms again. I heard no condemnation, just loving tenderness and the Lord reminding me that all He ever wanted was my heart. Realizing that I possibly could not walk down this road without some measure of understanding anymore, He led me to this ministry and to the fellowship here and He has healed my wounded spirit and has slowly imparted understanding into me of what it was exactly that I had experienced these past few years.

As I turned back to Him and gave Him my heart and trusted Him to receive and restore me, He not only brought me back to life again but brought back to life and birthed within me a new vision; far more powerful then the previous ones I had been given and with new dimensions added to it. I slowly began to understand through some of the teachings here on the prophetic, what and why the Lord had allowed me to go through some of these experiences, and why I had felt so intensely the sting of it the last time because at the same time that I was under going the "death of a vision" phase I was also being dealt with in some areas that was required as part of my preparation for the prophetic. (Yes -it was a particularly grueling year that one :-) My call and ministry had to go through the death burial and resurrection process. If great men of God in Scripture like Moses and the Apostle Peter had to go through it- I have come to understand that I am not exempt.

Well to be honest I am still resurrecting very slowly and I know that some of you (for whom this is written) who have just gone through the death phase, can relate with me on this one. It is very unlikely that once the Lord woos you back that you are gonna jump out of your 'tomb' immediately and run the race set before you once again with great tenacity :-) I can say with genuine sincerity that I know exactly how you feel. If you are anything like me then you would have moved forward to fulfill the initial vision/s with great gusto and intensity!;-) And when your vision died you died along with it.

You gave it all you had and you wonder now "Why oh why is everything lying in ruins before me and not bearing any fruit?. I am sincere, I have a good heart. I mean well. I do my best. I do it all within the will and counsel of the Lord. I have a call upon my life! This vision if from Him. Why is nothing progressing and everything around me always falling apart?" And if you have an analytic mind like mine, you have probably stayed up nights trying to figure it all out wondering what you could possibly have missed:-) Some of you have given up figuring it out and have moved away from the Lord. The fire you initially had for Him has dwindled and you are reluctant to go back to the Lord again. Your heart has grown cold and you sit quietly in the background now in brokenness.

Well to you the Lord says :

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"... call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
.
"I will be found by you", declares the Lord "and will bring you back
from captivity".

You may feel that you are not in captivity. But so long as your heart has
turned cold towards Him, you remain open and vulnerable to the spiritual
onslaughts
of the evil one who might use the anger and bitterness you feel within
to draw you further and further away from Him.

Turn back to the Lord right now. Give Him your pain and tell Him what you feel. He will not condemn you, He will not despise you or turn you away, He will not belittle you or tell you that what you have gone through is of your own imagination. He will listen and will be found by you, He will restore you and will powerfully move on your behalf to set you free once again to become all He has ordained for you to be. He will give you a far more powerful vision and will impart understanding into you as to what he has sought to do in and through you these past years. And if a powerful vision is no longer important to you (and I know this one too) then you owe it to yourself to begin to enter into fellowship with Him again-remember all He ever wants is your heart too.

You have come to know the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings. And now it is time for you to know Christ and the power of His resurrection! So be encouraged and rise up- for greater things await!