ave you ever heard this saying? It
says, "The man is the head of the home, but the wife is the neck that turns the
head." I’m sure most of you would have heard it, but whatever the case is,
it’s a very good description of a godly wife. She’s absolutely essential to her
husband. It’s good to be needed and appreciated and I’m going to show you how to
make your husband really appreciate you as you use some very simple biblical principles in
your marriage.
Did you know that being a Christian wife is one of the most rewarding
and joyful things imaginable? Okay, hear me out! I can just hear lots of people saying,
"You don’t know my husband!" Maybe not, but stick around because I want to
share from my own experience as well as scriptural principles just how you can make any
relationship wonderful. So let me get started!
I’ll be honest with you now. Developing and working at the things
that are necessary for a harmonious marriage can take time, but it will work if you stick
to it and ask the Lord to guide you. I believe the beginning of success is a knowledge of
what the Lord wants from us (which hopefully I’ll get across to you okay) (;-), and
allowing the Lord to show you any areas of weakness which are standing in the way. This is
sometimes pretty hard because He knows just how to knock our egos to make us sit up and
take note, but we become so much better afterwards, and we can see a growth in grace.
Remember, you are sometimes two totally different people being blended into one –
spiritually, emotionally and physically. That’s pretty complex and there are usually
areas in both of you that need dealing with. But now, I’m dealing purely from the
woman’s side.
For the first year especially of my marriage to Les, the Lord used him
(Les) to show me that I really wasn’t that gentle, humble, submissive looking person.
Sure I looked that way on the outside, but inside was a steaming pot full of bubble and
froth and pent-up irritation that was looking for an escape route when the right one came
along. Poor Les got quite scalded in that first year as it headed mostly for him and his
daughters,(;-) but he also showed me all the negative attitudes and emotions that needed
to be removed so that we could flow together as one. It was quite difficult for both of us
to adjust and for me to become more feminine, soft and gentle, but as I continued to let
the Lord show me and teach me, things improved dramatically.
There is a lot of emphasis nowadays on women taking the lead and taking
charge in business, politics, and even in the home, but unfortunately there isn’t
room for a Woman’s Lib attitude in a Christian home run by biblical principles. Sorry
to blow that idea out of the window, but God has set up a structure right from the word go
in Genesis and each partner has a specific role to play. When they get mixed up and try to
change the roles there is great confusion and Satan has an open door to bring division and
confusion. Hey, imagine if your hands tried to change place with your feet? It just
can’t be done.
Now, let’s take a journey way back in time to the beautiful Garden
of Eden. God made Adam and set him in the garden and all he had to do was look after it
and fellowship with God. God even back then knew the need for fellowship because He made
man primarily to share with Him. Then God made the animals and birds and took them to Adam
to name. Adam had the final authority, not God!
God then showed His love and concern for Adam by giving him Eve –
"a helper comparable to him." In other words, they were to complement each other
in everything. But God made her out of Adam. She was part of him, but Adam was the one who
was made first. And God put her as Adam’s partner, but under his leadership.
Remember, he was used to it. That was his role. He was given the responsibility to care
for her and love her and she was to be a helper suitable for him.
Then came the day when Satan tempted her to eat the fruit they had been
told not to eat. Eve made a fatal mistake (and we’re all reaping the results of it).
Instead of going to Adam and sharing with him what had happened so that he could protect
her and make the right decision, she went over his head and authority. I believe if she
had told Adam what Satan was trying to do he could have used his authority to stop it.
Then maybe we’d all be living in paradise right now. (;-)
That little error opened the door wide for Satan to infiltrate every
area of life, and it caused God to set in motion a law now that we can’t avoid. He
decreed that the woman would be subject to her husband. He said, "Your desire shall
be for your husband and he shall rule over you." (Genesis 3:16).
This is a hard thing for many women to accept, especially when
there’s so much going on in the media about woman’s rights and other matters.
But you know, I actually don’t mind this arrangement. Am I strange you ask? Do I like
being under my husband? It’s not a case of being inferior or of no self worth or
value. The wife has a vital role to play in keeping the family unit together and well
organized, but as the husband is the decision maker, why not leave it up to him? It will
take a load off your shoulders that the Lord never intended you to have, and besides, you
can actually blame him if he makes the wrong move! That’s his department. (;-)
I think the best way I can describe being in submission to your husband
is having respect for him and for the fact that the Lord has given him to you as your
protector. He is responsible for bringing love into the home, and also for getting
guidance from the Lord in all matters regarding the family. The wife’s role is the
running of the home and caring of the kids so that the husband is free from those
pressures and can concentrate on his career or business and other matters. If your husband
takes his role lightly and messes up he will have to answer to the Lord, so don’t
think he’s got it easy! But as the two of you fulfil your God-given roles there is
always harmony and blessing.
Did you know if you respect your husband and don’t demand things
from him, he’ll probably give you almost anything you desire? Wives, use your
feminine charms. There’s great power in them! Consider this little scene. You’re
browsing through a shopping mall and you see this fabulous evening dress you’d give
anything to have. If you appeal to him in love by saying, "Wow, angel, just look at
that! Man I’d love to get that to wear to your office dinner next month",
I’m willing to bet you he’ll work overtime for a week or two if he has to just
to give you your desire because he wants to give it to you. I’ve seen some really
hard men who have just softened and become so loving simply because their wives have shown
them respect and submitted to their leadership although it may have been very
overpowering.
A response like, "Hey, stop. Will you look at that. Wow it’s
wonderful. I’ve got to get it now!" would have made Les (and probably many
others) run a mile away and he would have probably said, "You save up for it
yourself." Don’t be a nag bag and don’t be demanding. Wives, weakness and
humility is your strongest weapon. I bet most of you thought it was the opposite
didn’t you? If you want to know what the Bible thinks of a nagging woman, just take a
browse through Proverbs and see what Solomon had to say. I guess he had quite a lot of
experience of nagging wives seeing as he had so many.
The Lord told me once that just as Les is responsible for bringing love
into the home, I can be responsible for bringing peace. I find if I get up in the morning
and I make up my mind to allow the Lord to use me to bring harmony and not friction, most
of the time there is a wonderful presence of the Lord around the place and things flow
smoothly.
Gentleness is a fruit of the spirit which I believe every wife should
strive for with her husband and family. This is sometimes not very easy when your hormones
are flooding your body at that time of the month, your kids are feeling cranky because
they’ve got a cold, and maybe your monthly bills are stretching your budget to the
limit. But, there is a way to overcome it. The Lord revealed it to me very recently and I
want to share it here.
To live a life of victory over any emotional difficulties you have to
allow the Lord to live His life in you. Remember, you’ve been crucified with Him
already, now you have to let Him live His life through you. If you’ve been crucified
you’re dead. That means that no matter what stress comes your way you don’t have
to react to it because a dead person isn't bothered by anything is she? So, if your kids
are yelling and your husband is not being very loving because he has a splitting headache,
let it pass over you and allow the Lord to love your kids and your partner through you.
He’ll be doing it and you don’t have to strive to make headway on your own.
A wife and mother is to give unconditionally of her time and energy to
the home. I understand this is especially hard nowadays if she works full time, but still
a giving attitude, firstly to your husband and then your children is so important. If you
feel like you’re getting swamped and getting nothing in return, don’t give up.
Give and it will be given back to you (greatly magnified). Just one thing I’d like to
mention, though. Don’t give so much to your children that you don’t make time to
establish a good relationship with your husband. Apart from the Lord, your husband is your
first priority. Your children are only there temporarily, and I’ve seen a lot of
marriages that break up when the kids leave home because the couple haven’t
established a solid foundation before.
As you continue to give of yourself, your family will sit up and take
note and will start doing things to please you, too, even if it’s just a little
gesture of kindness like bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning. Even when your kids
do little things for you show genuine appreciation. It will keep the flow going and make
you feel appreciated in return. Appreciate what your husband does and tell him so. Tell
him you love him, too. This may sound strange, but some wives never do it. If you’re
not accustomed to doing it because you think it’s something that’s taken for
granted, start doing it and you’ll be surprised how things will change for you
especially if either of you are feeling negative. Just don’t be surprised if he
faints on the spot the first time you say it! (:-]
I was told a story once of a woman whose marriage became sour and got
so bad her husband practically ignored her all the time. They battled to get things
settled and he was very uncooperative. She was determined, though, to continue with the
marriage and love him no matter what, because she’d taken her vows before the Lord
and she didn’t believe in divorce. Even though it was really difficult she continued
to love him, tell him she loved him and gave of herself without expecting anything back.
Her loving, humble attitude brought him back and the last time I heard they had a solid,
immovable marriage. So don’t give up. Continue to show him love. The Lord will
honor your commitment.
To me, children are a wonderful blessing from the Lord. I’ve only
had one, my son, although I have 3 step-daughters. It’s a privilege to me to bring
him up to know the Lord right from an early age, and pour out my love on him, but
I’ve never neglected my duty to Les. It’s important also to build up your
husband in your children’s eyes. Your husband is as vitally important to your
children in the later years as you are in the early ones (before their teens). You have
the greatest influence on a child in it’s early years. After that the husband brings
a girl into womanhood and a boy into manhood. When they reach their teen years
unfortunately you have to let them go (sniff, sob), and allow your husband to take the
dominant role! By building him up in your children’s eyes, though, they will find it
easy to adjust in adolescence and when they leave there will still be a good relationship
with you and them.
Even though your outlook must always be to give of yourself, try also
to make time to rest and relax, too, even if it’s sitting relaxing with a cup of
coffee for 20 minutes. I can hear whoops of joy, "Yes, yes, yes!" Well, even the
Lord told His disciples to come aside and rest a while. If you need a rest and are getting
too weary physically, don’t be a martyr. Try and make the time or you’ll burn
yourself out and be no use to anyone. Even a small break is better than nothing! Les and I
are hectically busy all day, but we often make time for a small break in the afternoon to
rest and recoup, then our energy is increased to continue our schedule.
Proverbs 31 verses 10 to 31 has the best description of a godly wife
I’ve come across, but to actually be able to attain all that is described there is
quite something! She must have been a pretty marvelous woman. I love this passage and if
I’m feeling discouraged I often review it. The one thing that struck me when I read
it is verse 12 : "She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."
Ouch! How many of us can aspire to that? When you are having differences of opinion and
things are a bit bumpy, I think most women’s desire would rather be to do their
husbands some bodily harm like hurling them over the balcony! (;-) If you’re aware of
what the Lord desires from you, though, you can work towards it. If you fall, fail and
mess up, just pick yourself up again and, like a baby learning to walk, carry on and
persevere. Have you ever seen a baby not get it right?
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in a marriage is a little 6 letter
word – speech! How often does your husband REALLY know what is going on inside of you
and what you feel? Do you really talk and share with each other? Lack of communication I
think is as bad as no communication. The bible says we must "share the truth in
love". That means the whole truth in every detail, on both sides, so that you can
truly become one.
Communication was a very big problem for me when Les and I were first
married. I’d been taught through my childhood that the ‘stiff upper lip’
approach was better, and many of those years I was in such a daydream world that I was
continually escaping. So guess what? When it came to communicating I was pathetic. I never
ever really expressed what was inside of me. However, as I said at the beginning, if
something is boiling on the inside it’s going to come out.
I remember when we first got married I learnt by trial and error that
this was a serious problem in my life. Before we met I was used to going to bed at the
ridiculous hour of 9.00 in the evening, but when Les and I got married it gradually got
later and later as we sat for ages every evening having family time with his daughters and
getting to know them. I was really not used to these late nights and so I got more and
more irritated.
The one night we were sitting sharing for a long time, then I got
rather quiet as I silently practiced what I was going to say to Les (not very gently I
might add)! I was like a dragon, gradually blowing more and more steam out until it got
too much. After a while of this contemplation I suddenly pulled back the covers to make my
irritation known and stormed down the passage to go the bathroom. Needless to say everyone
was quite shocked and wondered, "What’s eating her?" That was not the right
way to approach the matter as I soon learnt. Now a gentle smile and, "Angel,
it’s 12.00 o’clock, hey!" are enough to make him say, "Okay, everybody
out. It’s late and my wife wants to go to bed!" He now fights on my behalf
instead of against me. Isn’t that wonderful?
That whole episode and so many other problems could have been avoided
or minimized if I had learnt how to communicate honestly and without anger. It’s
taken a long time for me to master this art because for 30 years it had been absent from
me. I’ve now learnt something very easy about starting communication for problem
solving and I’d like to share this here, too. If you approach a problem from YOUR
point of view it will ease a lot of tension. Let’s face it, if someone says to you,
"I have a problem," you will be able to say, "Yes you do." But
don’t let the situation change and the opposite occur. If someone says, "YOU
have a problem," you’re likely to get defensive.
So, how do you do this? Say for example your husband is watching a lot
of sport on TV and it’s upsetting you because you feel you’re being ignored as a
result. Try this approach. Don’t say, "I wish the TV would get disconnected
because you’re always sitting in front of it and you never give me any time!"
Grr! #$@^%! Try this approach. "Honey, I have a real problem." He’ll
probably ask what it is just out of surprise that you’re saying you’re in the
wrong. Then you tell him gently and lovingly (remember the Lord lives in you –
you’re not capable) what’s bothering you and why. Make it out that you have the
problem because you can’t handle his actions. This will usually start meaningful
dialogue because he’ll want to help you solve this problem. His built in protective
instinct from the Lord will kick in most times.
I’ve dealt with the attitudes of a godly wife, but the last thing
I want to share on is that aspect of personal appearance. Some people have taken what Paul
said about being beautiful on the inside and not worrying about external appearance to an
extreme. I tend to disagree with this, however. In today’s society there are many
beautiful women that the husband is exposed to in the workplace. It is vitally important
if you do not work, that you make yourself as attractive as possible for his homecoming.
It will firstly make him want to come home, and secondly keep things stable for you.
Consider this scene. Your husband is subjected during the whole day to really drop dead
beautiful secretaries, sales representatives, etc. Now he gets back home and you meet him
at the door with faded, torn jeans, a baggy tee shirt and little or no make up. Do you
think he’s going to get inspired to come home every day? This is a possible scene
ripe for an affair.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is always the case,
but it’s something to watch out for. If you’ve grown slack in your personal
appearance because you’ve been married for a while and you think, "He must
accept me the way I am. That’s how he married me," I think it would be wise for
you to change your outlook. If you’re in this category, why not blow him away the
next time he comes home? Put on make up (especially lipstick), do your hair in the best
style, put on something flattering. You could be surprised at the difference it will make.
Now, if you are having problems in your marriage and you feel like
it’s going nowhere and you can’t see things improving, I want to suggest some
simple things you can do to bring an improvement in your attitude to your husband, and
will be sure to cause him (and you) to change. Here they are (do it daily for at least a
week before assessing the results):
