Why Marriage?
Les D. Crause
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hy marriage? Today marriage is under attack. It has been for a long time. In many circles marriage is considered old fashioned, outmoded, not necessary. We do not need it anymore. Well, they were talking about this a while back when I was younger a long time ago already.

They were saying, "Pretty soon people are just not going to get married any more. They’re going to go and live together because why bother getting married? Marriage is old fashioned. It’s going to fall away.

Well, they are still saying that and it still has not happened. There is a very good reason for it. And the reason for it is in the contents of this message. Why marriage? Divorce rates have reached proportions unheard of in the past. They are getting worse all the time. And I know they have been saying that for years as well. But divorce is so easy now. It comes in do-it-yourself kits. It is very easy. Actually, getting a divorce is easier than getting married these days in some places.

The gay movement has arisen proclaiming a new morality. Why live with somebody of the opposite sex? You should be attracted to members of the same sex. Marriage is being attacked from all sides. A man and a woman living together for the rest of their lives? Even believers are battling to cope with the stresses that are coming on the marriage.

Many Questions

There is an attack, and it is against the marriage. Why is Satan attacking the marriage? Why is marriage such a big problem to him? We will be answering that question in the next few episodes coming up in this series. But let's look at the big why. Why all this upheaval? Why all the problems in marriage? Why all the conflict? Well, quite simply we have lost sight of the Scriptural pattern and the reason for marriage in the first place. People do not know anymore, even in Christian circles, what the Bible really teaches concerning marriage.

So people are asking questions like, "Why did God institute marriage in the first place? What did He have in mind when He made it? What was the purpose for it?"

And how about this one? "How come God made the man first, and the woman afterwards?"

Have you ever thought about that one? Why did God make man first and woman second? Is that because God is a male chauvinist pig? Why should we get married and live with just one partner for the rest of our lives? I mean, that is dull. Why has God gone and imposed that on us? It is not fair.

We need some answers. And we do not need the kind of answers that we sometimes give to our kids when they say, "But why must I do that?"

"Don’t ask why. It’s just because I say so!"

A lot of people have been given that kind of answer for so long.

"Well why?"

"Because God said so.""

"But why?"

"Because God says so."

Well I want to know why He said so! Don't you? I mean great, He is God and we are His creation, and we need to obey His commandments. But I am one of those people who likes to have a little bit of information below the surface there. If God said so I would like to have some teeny little idea of what was in His mind when He said so.

Answers

So I am going to try and pick God’s brains a bit here and I am going to see if I can somehow tell you what was in His mind, and what are some of the things that God had in mind when He set the marriage in order.

Okay, now is God this mean ogre who just imposes His will on us? Is He? When God put man in the Garden of Eden He said, "You can enjoy the whole Garden, but that tree over there it’s my favourite one. Don’t touch it, okay. That one is just for Me."

Is that what He said? Well that is kind of what the Devil wanted them to think wasn't it? That tree was poison. It was deadly. And when God said, "Don’t you touch it," God had a very good reason for it. It would have killed them. Well it did actually.

Satan’s Lies

But Satan came with his lies didn’t he? He came and he said, "Well, God’s trying to withhold something good from you. It’s not fair that God doesn’t let you partake of that tree. Because God knows that if you were to partake of that tree you would know a lot more. And you might be a threat to Him, because you’d become like a god as well. God is holding out on you here. He doesn’t want you to enjoy."

That is the same lie that Satan still brings to people in the marriage situation.

"Well, why did God tell you, you are supposed to stick to one partner? He wanted to just squeeze your fun. He’s just a mean old thing. I mean, He gives us these wonderful pleasures that a man and woman can have, and then He says you are not allowed to have it except with one person. How boring."

No Escape

It is the same kind of lie. God had a reason, just like He had a reason in the Garden of Eden. Because there is death out there. There are snares waiting for you. The results of disobedience are always the same. Pain and loneliness. And those who think they want to do the marriage merry-go-round; those who are sick and tired of being in the bondage of being married to one person; of being tied to this miserable individual for so many years, decide they want to break free.

"I want to be free. I want to be free. I’m tired of being bound."

Fallacy of Compatibility

You know that song, ‘Please release me let me go, ‘cause I don’t love you anymore?’ That is hogwash. You want to be free. And then you break free and suddenly you find out that freedom is not so good anymore. You are lonely. There is nobody who cares. You have to go round and try and find somebody else now. And every single person you find has only got one thing in mind. They want to use you, take from you, suck the goodness out of you and spit you out again.

You say, "But I’m looking for Mr Right. I’m looking for Miss Right. She’s out there somewhere."

"And how will you know when you find her?"

"Well, we’ll just click you know. We’ll be compatible."

That’s a lovely word isn’t it?

"Well you know, my husband and I, we are not compatible. So therefore, it’s pointless us continuing with this marriage. I need to break this and find somebody that I’m compatible with."

What does compatible mean? It means you want to find somebody who dances to your tune. It means you want to find somebody who does not upset you, somebody who does not cramp your style. If you are a dominating person you want to find a partner that you can control and dominate. And if you are a grown up mommy’s boy that looking for a mommy, you want to try and find somebody that is going to dominate you.

We call it compatibility. There is no such thing as it. How can two sinful people be compatible? Yes it is true there are differences in temperaments, and we will be looking at that later. We will be looking at it in a lot of detail in our Counseling Series, on how temperamental make-ups affect each one of us. And we are going to be looking at it especially in the marriage situation to see how temperaments flow together to get two people to complement each other.

But most people do not think of that when they think of compatibility. They are just thinking of somebody they do not fight with; somebody that they feel comfortable with. And a lot of the time you do not even know what you are looking for, so you do not even know when you have found it. So you try this person to see if this is the one, and you get married to that person and it does not take long for you to find out that, "Hey, we’re not compatible. He doesn’t do things my way."

"Hey, she just doesn’t give me what I want all the time. How can we be compatible?"

So, you hop on the marriage merry-go-round again; in divorce and remarriage, in divorce and remarriage; in divorce and remarriage. And so the merry-go-round continues. Until eventually you just get off the merry-go-round and stand and watch it go round and round. You are too scared to get on any more because you cannot find that person. So you come to the conclusion that no such person exists.

It is a lie. It is a lie of Satan, because you believed his lie in the first place. We are going to be looking at it in much more detail in this marriage series. We are going to be looking at all of these aspects. So in this study I am just going to cover a groundwork or foundation if you like of all the things that we are going to be covering. You see, the only way that you can be compatible is to do things God’s way. You have to do it His way. And if you do it His way it is guaranteed to work.

Work Needed

You know the 'w' word - work? You know that thing that we hate? Work. Well, it is going to take work. It is not just going to fall into your lap. You are going to have to work at it. And you are going to have to know how to work at it. You are going to have to know what to do about it to make this thing work. That's what we are going to be teaching you in this series.

So where are we headed? We are going to be looking in this series at the Scriptural standard for marriage. We are going to have a look at where we tend to violate that standard. We are going to see why people violate it, and we are going to see what happens when they violate it. Then we are going to show them how to correct their mistakes. In the end we are going to get a new view of marriage and give some plans of action to fix things.

We will touch on some subjects like rearing of children as well. And we are going to look at something for the unmarried people. We are going to look at how to deal with an unsaved marriage partner, and we will look at how to deal with divorce and widowhood. And we are also going to have a look at the gay lifestyle and how to deal with that as well. We are going to be covering it in a lot of detail. This is going to be a big series.

There is going to be a lot of intertwined areas that we are going to have a look at in this Counselling Series and in this Pastoral Counselling course that we are going to be doing. We are just looking now at the marriage aspect, but there is going to be so many other areas that all interlink and interrelate and all come together to affect us, because so many things that affect the marriage are caused by personal problems in each marriage partner.

If you are going to solve the marriage, you have to solve the problem in the individual first, because marriage actually is very simple. We are going to have a look at it shortly, and see how simple it really is. Just the complications in our lives and the other problems that we have in our lives are what make our marriage complicated too.

Marriage Important to God

So I want to look at some marriage basics firstly. I want you to realise that God considers marriage so important that He dealt with it first. Do you know that? If you pick up your Bible and read, you will find that way back at the beginning God speaks about marriage. Marriage is very important. It is high on God’s priority. That is why it is also high on Satan’s priority, because the marriage is the key to victory in the spiritual life. A successful and happy marriage are at the base of you succeeding in ministry; of living the kind of life God wants you to; of walking in the way of blessing that the Lord has for you. And if Satan can attack you right there he can begin to destroy everything that God has for you.

So marriage is vitally important. How important is marriage? If marriage is so important, then why may I ask is it not top billing in every sermon that preachers are preaching? Why is it not top billing in teaching seminars? The last prophetic conference that you went to, how much time did they spend on marriage? The last revival that you went to, how much emphasis was put on marriage?

Wrong Pictures

I tell you why marriage is not preached on much, and I will tell you why nobody is presenting the Scriptural standard. It is because history repeats itself. And where a failure is made in a marriage, that failure is passed down into the thinking of the children. And as the children grow up and rise up and enter into a marriage situation, they make the same mistakes that they saw their parents make. And they fail again, the same way that their parents failed. They communicate it again to their children, and their children grow up, and it goes from generation to generation to generation.

You have men and women in the church of God; those in leadership; those who are preaching from the pulpit, and their marriage is not right. So how can they dare to stand behind the pulpit and teach other people how to run their marriages? How dare they stand behind the pulpit and preach what marriage should be, when their own marriage is lacking? Why? Because nobody taught them. They had a wrong image, a wrong picture. And they have gone, and they have perhaps studied the Word and learnt a few things. You will find that the only people that are ministering on the marriage are the only people that went through the mill with so many marital problems that they began to look to God. They began to dig into His Word and find some answers.

No Fighting Could Be Wrong

But you will get the average person who married somebody who was compatible with them. You know what a compatible marriage is? A compatible marriage is where the woman lets the guy do whatever he likes. And the guy is quite happy just to ignore his wife and do his thing. And as long as he gets what he wants, and as long as she gets what she wants, they live together under the same roof. They never appear to fight, and they carry on their dull humdrum existence that is not a marriage. But they never fight. They never squabble. And when you speak to them and say, "Man, I’ve had such problems in my marriage," they will look at you with that condescending attitude and say, "I can’t understand why you’ve got a problem. I’ve never had a problem in my marriage."

They never had a marriage in the first place. That is why they never had a problem in the marriage. But that now becomes the standard, contrary to the Word of God. And for the person who is trying to work at it, to try and make their marriage into the way God wants it to be, Satan is attacking them. He is hitting them and trying to destroy it.

People look at you and say, "I can’t understand what’s wrong with you. You’re always bickering and fighting and always having problems. Your marriage is always in difficulty."

It could be that your marriage is closer to the Scriptural standard and you have come under more attack than anybody else. Because Satan knows if you get it right he is in trouble.

You know why? Because the Scripture says that if two shall agree concerning anything, it is done, whatever is spoken. If they shall, "stand together as one and agree concerning anything that they shall ask, it shall be done by My Father in heaven." There is power in agreement. The Scripture says, "One shall set a thousand to flight and two shall set ten thousand to flight." The power goes up in tens. There is power in agreement. There is power in unity.

Jesus said, "Where two or three are gathered together in My Name, there I am in the midst of them." When a husband and wife stand together as one, Jesus joins them, and you have a full compliment. You have the fullness of His power right there. Do you think Satan is going to allow that? No way is he going to allow that. He saw the power right back from the beginning in Adam and Eve, and he reached in to bring a division between Adam and Eve and a division between man and God, to make sure that they could not tap into that power.

Ungodly Standards

But it goes on, cycle after cycle, generation after generation; history repeating itself. So, who is teaching the right pattern? The pastors? They are getting divorced left, right and centre themselves. Psychology and psychiatry? They are the experts now. The psychiatrist is teaching you how your marriage should be. He does not even have the Word of God to go by. And people are going to ungodly counsellors for marital counselling. What are they going to teach you? To build a marriage that is based on the Word? They do not know such a marriage. They have never seen it. They are going to build by their own standards.

God’s Pattern

So we go back to the beginning. Let's see what God's pattern is. Let’s see how it was supposed to be, and let’s see where the problems came and how they came. You see, there are two different eras - before the fall and after the fall. There are two different complete pictures that existed in the marriage relationship. So we go back to Genesis 1. We read in verse 27:

 

God created man in His own image; He created them in His image; He created them male and female. And God blessed them and He said, "Be fruitful and multiply; replenish the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

God made man and gave him dominion. And in Genesis 2:20 it says:

 

And Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper suited to him.

Made in God’s Image

God made man in His own image. Now what is interesting in this verse is God repeated Himself. It says, "God created man in His own image. He created him in the image of God." Why did He say it twice? Do you reckon the guy who wrote Genesis, who was reputed to be Moses, do you reckon he was just the kind of guy who stuttered a bit and repeated himself a lot? Was he one of those preachers who repeated himself over and over? It is like he put a bit of padding in to make his book bigger.

I have found that in God’s Word when something is repeated there is a reason that it is repeated. And these are the kinds of things that you need to look at when you study the Scriptures. We will cover that in another series. The Scripture says, "God made man similar to Himself." He created him to be like God. That is why it is repeated. "God created man in His own image." And then to make it even more clear he says, "He created him in the image of God."

What kind of image does God have? The first thing about God is that, "God is not a woman that she should lie," the Scripture says? Is God a man or is He a woman? Is God male or female? Well we always know Him as a He don’t we? But yet God actually has both male and female characteristics. And when God made Adam He made him with both male and female characteristics. We will look at that more shortly as we go on.

But why is God always portrayed as a man? Why is God portrayed as male? And what about the angels? In the Scriptures you read about the angels. You will notice it speaks about a man that appeared. It is always a man, contrary to that lovely modern movie ‘Touched by an Angel’ where the angel is female. You do not find it in the Scriptures. Somehow the Scriptures always seem to portray the angels as being masculine.

And yet we know that they do not have a gender because Jesus spoke about that. When they came and asked Him about the woman who had been married to so many men, they said, "Who’s is she going to be in the resurrection?"

Jesus said, "In the resurrection we will be like the angels. There will be no sex."

Oh darn, sorry guys! Nobody wants to get resurrected anymore hey? There will be no male or female. They will be genderless. The angels do not have a gender, but yet they are always portrayed as representing God, and somehow they always seem to be seen as male. Yeah, God really is male chauvinist isn’t He? Or is He? Why?

Both Male and Female

When God made Adam He made him as male and female blended together. Let’s go back to that little passage we just read there. It says:

He created him in the image of God. He created them male and female.

When God made man originally it was just Adam. But yet he was made male and female. So what was he then, a hermaphrodite? Was he somebody who had both sexes? No, he was one person who contained, as God does, the qualities of masculinity and femininity, malehood and femalehood united together in one person. Adam was both male and female, just as God is both male and female. So you woman’s libbers do not need to worry about changing the Bible to change all the he’s to she’s. I tell you why it is a ‘he’ in a moment, and I will show you why God has set that masculinity is superior to femininity. Ouch! I will just leave that one as a titbit for you to chew on before I get there.

In Genesis 2:21 we read about how God made the woman.

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman and brought her to the man. And Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of man."

As we look in the Hebrew here we see that the word that is translated ‘rib’ can actually mean ‘side’ rather than rib. What happened when God took out Adam’s rib? God took out Adam’s side. He took a side out of him. You see Adam had a masculine side and a feminine side united in one person. And when God put Adam to sleep, He took out of him the feminine side and He took it and made it into another kind of man; another kind of humanity.

Gender Separation

Eve was just like Adam, exactly the same. But now there was a difference. Adam was now both man and woman in one, in so far as his spirit was concerned. There were male and female characteristics, but the male was dominating. God took the woman and He made her so that her feminine side would be dominating. So immediately you would see a difference between a man and a woman. Apart from the physical difference, there was a difference. Within the man there was maleness dominating. Within the woman there was femaleness dominating. Is it clear as mud?

Gender in Animals and Man Different

Let’s carry on and look at this gender difference a little bit more. What is interesting is that God made man and the animals differently. I remember when I was a young kid it was great fun to catch birds and put them in an aviary. I remember in the place we were living in, there were so many beautiful birds that came there, all different kinds and different colors. It was such great fun to set up a little bird trap and put up a little box with a stick and a piece of string and put some seed under it. And you go and sit behind a rock and wait for the bird to come and eat. And when the bird is under, you pull the string, out comes the stick, and the box falls on them, and you have yourself a bird.

Was it cruel? Maybe it was, but we put them in a cage and gave them lots of food. We were not being cruel. We just wanted to catch that nice one. And we would see all these birds that would come and you would get these ugly stupid little gray things, eating and eating and eating. And you would wait for this beautiful red colored bird to come. When he was under the trap then you would pull it.

You see, there is something about color that attracts us isn’t there? It is beautiful. And you know it took me a while, as I began to learn about birds, to realize something. Those little gray birds and the colored ones were from the same species. The ugly little gray ones were the females, and the beautiful colored ones were the males. I found out it was the same in every species. The female was plain Jane, ugly, unattractive. You just caught her to keep the other guy company. You would catch some of those females just to put in so the male could have a mate. But it was the male that was so beautiful and attractive, so you wanted to trap that one and put it in your aviary.

When God made man He changed it. He switched it all around. What He took out of Adam He made into something beautiful. Now as we look down upon human creation what is it that shines out as a beauty? Who is it that you want to catch in your trap? It is not the guy, let me tell you. It is that beautiful woman that God has made, that beautiful wonderful creation that just shines in beauty the way the Lord has made her.

Man Special and Different

It is totally different in the human kingdom compared to the animal kingdom. You see, in the animal kingdom the male is the beautiful one who attracts the female. In man God made it that the woman was the beautiful one to attract the male. God changed the whole order to show that man is not just another animal. Man is different. God has a special plan and purpose for man that is different to the animals. Man is not just another animal to go and procreate. He is something far more important than that.

When God made woman he exalted womanhood in a new way, contrary to what women feel, that they are trampled under and pushed down, and they have to be subject to man. God gave her a compensation. He gave her a quality that makes her superior to the man in many ways. He gave her a new quality. If God had made man like the animals the guy would have had everything. He would have been dominant and he would have had all the beauty. But God compensated it and He gave the woman beauty. What does that have to do with marriage? We will look at it more later and we will see how men and women respond to one another visually, particularly when it comes to the sexual relationship.

But you see, God has made man and given him the honor of being the leader. Why? Because masculine always dominates. That is why God is viewed as a man, because the dominant aspect shows His masculinity. Yet God shows the qualities of femininity as well. His attributes do not contradict one another. They flow together, but the dominant aspect, the dominance and the control and leadership is always vested in masculinity, not in femininity. Let’s look at in Genesis 2:23:

 

And Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man."

Man Names

You see, man was both man and woman together. Woman was taken out of man. Man still is the dominant one. Woman came out of man to be part of him and together for them to flow as one in control, but the masculine side still must dominate. Now, I want you to see something very interesting in this Scripture. God gave Adam the right to name things in the earth. We looked at this in the Way of Blessing series. When you have the right to name something that has been made, that gives you the copyright control over it. It means that you are the owner and you are the one who is in charge of that object. If you are going to name it you are in charge.

I want you to notice that it was not Eve that named Adam, but Adam named the woman, just like he named the animals. The man does the naming. When a man and a woman get married whose name dominates? The man’s. From whom do the children get their names? It is the man’s surname that the child takes, the father’s. The male always dominates. The male names, and the father names his children. He gives his name to his children. It is all part of the image of God in man. It is God’s order and the way God made it.

Those who want to kick against it in the Woman’s Liberation Movement are kicking against something absolutely vital. There is a protection there. There is an order there. And we are going to look at that in a lot of detail as we look at the role of the wife later on. There is a protection there. There is a protection from danger, just like when God said, "Don’t touch that tree," and women are kicking against it. They do not want the restriction. They do not want to be dominated. They want to break free.

You are playing with fire. You are violating something that God put there for a very good reason, not just because God is a man, so He puts a man in charge. A lot of women are seeing it that way. It is not true at all. God has given women very wonderful qualities and He has given women privileges that men do not have.

Keys to Marriage Harmony

There’s only two keys, two very important keys that have to be looked at from the start, that lead to marital harmony, and two very important things that are perhaps amongst the major causes of problems in marriage. Matthew 19:5 says:

 

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Therefore they are now more two, but one. What therefore God has joined together let not man put apart.

Men

In preparing our own translation of the Scriptures I dug into the Greek on this passage, and I found out that there are a few meanings there that comes out as we look at it. And I translated it this way:

 

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall become glued to his wife.

Glued, you know as with superglue, the kind you cannot take apart?

 

And they two shall be one human being. Therefore they are no more two, but one being. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put apart.

Spiritually Bound

When a man and a woman come together in the marriage union it is not a legal contract that binds them together. It is not the court of law that makes a marriage. There comes something far deeper than that. There comes a union. There comes a joining together in the spirit as God takes two people and he makes them into one. It is like He joins them together. Can you imagine two people standing together and they are glued together like Siamese twins? You just look at these Siamese twins. They have had to learn to live with each other for life, especially if they are joined at the spine. They cannot be separated.

If you are joined that way, if the one decides to bend, the other person cannot say, "I don’t feel like bending." You have a problem. If the one bends, the other one has no choice. You bend with, because there is no breaking off this one. You are joined, you are one. So where the one person goes the other one has to go. You are joined together as one. That is why Jesus said, "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder."

You cannot get divided by a court of law, because it was not a court of law that put you together in the first place. It was not the law of the land that gave you your marriage in the first place. It was God that united you together as one. And He took two people and He made them into one person. Just as He took Eve originally out of Adam, so they were put back together again, so that together as two people they could become one person. Together they could become what Adam was originally. Together they could become the image of God in man again. It is essential that you cleave.

You will notice that the father gives away the bride, but the man steps out on his own. The father is the one who gave the name. The father is the one, the masculinity who dominated, and the father gives away his daughter to be joined to a man to become one with him. Marriage involves a total union, not just a partnership of convenience. When you become united and joined together with somebody else, there comes a change in your rights. You had liberties and rights of your own before, but when you became joined to somebody else your rights began to change. They are not your own anymore.

It does not take long for two people to learn, that when they get married and start to live together, they realise that, "I can’t do what I want to do anymore, when I want to do it anymore. I have somebody else to consider."

You are like the Siamese twin. You cannot just go where you like anymore. You have somebody joined to you. And this guy is going to tag on with you. He is going to tag along wherever you go. It is going to be a real pain. You are going to try and shake him off, and you are going to find out that he has been superglued to you. It is tough, but it is essential. It is part of the way God made it.

Physically One

There comes a yielding of rights. There are things that you have to give up. Oh, here it comes! You have one body now. In terms of the Lord, you have been joined together, and your bodies are considered as being one. 1 Corinthians 7:3 says:

 

Let the husband give the wife due consideration, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

What is he talking about? Sex, of course. You knew I was coming up with that one didn’t you? We are just going to touch on it in this lesson.

 

The wife does not have sole authority over her own body, but her husband does also. And likewise also the husband does not have sole authority over his own body, but his wife does also.

Oh dear, so if she wants your body to go and fix the leaky tap, and she wants your body to get into the garden and do a bit of cleaning up; if she needs your body to go and clean the trash out, it is her body too you know.

Paul says, "Do not deprive one another unless it is by mutual agreement for a while, that you may commit yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you through your lack of self-control."

He is saying, "You are not to deny anything to another. You are not to deny your spirit, your soul or your body to one another, because the two have been united and joined together as one." And just as you use your body as it needs to be used, so the body of your spouse needs to be used in the same way, and needs to be available.

It is a covenant. It is just like a Blood Covenant where you do not have to beg and plead for your covenant partner to give you what is your rights. When you are in Blood Covenant with somebody you do not go with cap in hand and say, "Please can you help us out this month. We’re battling financially." You just walk into his house and say, "Where’s the check book? I’m going to sign a check. I know you’ve got lots in the bank." It is a covenant. The two of you are no longer two, but you have become one.

Now strangely enough, Jesus and Paul both repeated this one, so God seems to consider this one important. Ephesians 5:28 it says:

 

So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

You have to love your wife as your own body. She is part of your body. So if you want to go out and have fun with the guys, what does your wife’s body think about that?

 

For no man yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church.

If you are going to feed your body are you feeding hers too? If you are going to do things for yourself, are you going to do the same things for her? If you are going to spend money on yourself, are you going to spend it on her? The two of you are one. It is the same body. And whatever you do for this body; when you fulfil the natural bodily desires of nourishment, defence and reproduction, you need to realise that you need to consider the body of your partner as well.

For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

Just like we are part of the Body of Christ, we are part of Him.

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, and will be joined unto (the Old King James said ‘cleave’) his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

So you get leaving and cleaving. There again Paul is speaking the same Scripture we read before that Jesus spoke about, and God spoke about it. Old Testament, New Testament, it is all the way through. You cannot get away from it. There has to be a leaving, and there has to be a cleaving. And here is where the problems begin – the leaving and the cleaving.

Father’s Vital Role

If you do not leave you have problems. If you do not cleave you have problems. Here is how it works. When a girl is in the home she is under her father’s authority. She is under his authority and control and she is subject to him. If he is the kind of father that he should be in terms of the Word of God, he has actually brought her into maturity, into womanhood, and showed her how to be a woman, and to be the kind of wife that she should be.

Now you are probably saying, "But shouldn’t the mother be teaching the girl how to be a wife?"

She had her turn to do that when the child was younger, because when the child was younger it was her responsibility to build the foundational principles or templates into the child. When the child reaches adolescence, the father has to take over. Because only a man (male) has the capability of bringing in the templates of maturity which teach a child to be a leader, whether that person be male or female. Only a father can bring a child into full adulthood effectively. Only masculinity has that capability. Femininity does not have that capability.

Therefore it is necessary, it is essential, that when the child reaches adolescence, the mother steps back and lets the father take over. It is essential that the father takes up his responsibility and does not just hand it over to his wife.

"Well, she’s done the job all along. She might as well just fix it, carry on and sort the kids out. And she must just give her daughter all the advice. I mean it’s a woman thang. Let her sort it out. Why must I get involved? I’ve got work to do, man."

Now you know why there has been generation after generation of problems in the marriage? Because the father has failed to fulfil his role. You see, when the girl leaves, she is leaving her father. When she cleaves, she is cleaving to another male. And unless she learned from her father how to behave in that male/female relationship, she will not know how to behave in this new male/female relationship. Only a father can show her, and give her an environment and a situation to test things out, to try them, to try out her charms and femininity. She tests it out on the only man in her life that she should be able to trust.

She begins to try her charms on her dad, because it is safe ground. A lot of the time it is not safe ground. You would be amazed at how much incest occurs, not just in the world, but even in Christian homes, because men have misunderstood it. Because a father has not recognised his role and responsibility and the importance of bringing that flower out; that beautiful flower who is his daughter, allowing her to mature into womanhood. She must be allowed to try her charms on him, for him to show her how she must be a woman with the man that she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

Mother Must Let Go

Sometimes it is not the father’s fault, it is the mother’s fault, because the mother does not want to let go. The mother’s letting go actually involves more the guy. You see, mother does not have a problem letting daughter go, because daughter grows up and they become friends, and it is not a problem. But mother wants to control her son and hold onto him for as long as possible.

That is where the major conflict occurs where leaving and cleaving is concerned. I will tell you why. Because a woman does not have a problem leaving her father’s authority and coming under her husband’s authority. It is just one guy to another. I mean they are all the same. They have the same characteristics. By and large, they have the same things. If you have seen one guy you have seen them all. Usually the woman will find a guy who is just like her father if she has got on well with him.

His Own Authority

But the man is another story. When the man leaves home who is he coming out under, and who is he going under? Well if the man has been under mommy, and mommy is still controlling, and mommy is still there wiping behind his ears, he is coming out under one mommy to another mommy. Have you ever seen two jealous mommy’s? That is where the problems begin to occur in the marriage. Because the man should be stepping out and taking up the image that his father taught him; an image of strength, leadership and masculinity.

But if the image his father gave him is, "Yes, you must obey your wife now. You don’t rock the boat. You just let women have their way because they are just temperamental creatures, and …"

Do you see again why the father’s image is so important and why it is so important that the mother steps out of the way? Also why the woman needs to be in subjection to the man? You will see it all come together as we go through and look at all of these details. The mother fulfils her role in the child, bringing the child up to puberty. The father then takes over and shows the son how to be a leader; how to be the head of his own home one day as he steps out and takes his wife to himself. And if the father has not given the man that image of true masculinity, of true leadership, of being the true head of his home, then the cycle repeats itself and conflict begins to take place. And there comes a reversal of order, a reversal of the roles. We will be looking at this next.

Disorder in the Home

God’s whole order is put into chaos. When the children come along, what are they being shown? They are being shown disorder. They are being shown the wrong pattern. They are being shown everything that is wrong and contrary to God’s order, and they do not know any different.

When they grow up they look at marriage and they say, "Yes, other people seem to be the same way mom and dad were."

The cycle goes on. There has been no leaving and there has been no cleaving.

So as the woman comes out and she cleaves to her husband there is not a problem. There should not be a problem. She just moves from her father to her husband. The man is seldom jealous of his son-in-law who has taken over his daughter’s affection. He walks her down the aisle and he gladly hands her over to the new son-in-law.

"Here you are, I’m giving her to you. I trust you boy, I trust you. I’m giving you my special one. I’m putting her into your hands."

In-Law Conflicts

The guys become one and they agree with each other. They talk guy talk and they think like men. But oh, when the woman has not let go of her son, and this little vixen takes over her poor little son and makes his life a misery, and she wants him to come back to mommy so she can help him out … Man, you have never seen conflict like there is between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law! We will talk more about in-laws later.

Jesus even knew that. He said, "I did not come to bring peace. I came to bring a sword." And He gives conflict between a man and his father, … and a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law. He does not say, "The son-in-law and the mother-in-law." Now I know we make jokes about mother-in-law. You know, guys love to make jokes about mother-in-law.

"Knock knock, there’s the door. Oh look who’s here? Dear old mother-in-law. Well, don’t just stand there. Go home!"

But you see, people do not make jokes about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, because that is so vicious. You have not seen anything like it. You do not even go there. Why? Because mother-in-law will not let go of her son. And you know what, son is such a wimp that he runs back to mommy all the time. Son is such a wimp that he has never been given an image of standing up on his own and being a man and a leader in his own home. And the conflict begins to take place.

Communication

There has to be a leaving and there has to be a cleaving. They both have to take place. And there needs to be open communication. Ninety percent of all marital problems are caused by lack of communication. I want you to look at the before and after again in these Scriptures, as we read concerning how God created man and woman and put Adam and Eve in the garden. The Scripture says, "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

They could walk around nakedly with each other and were not ashamed. There was no problem. She was not afraid he was going to grab her if she walked around naked. She probably let him. There was no hiding from one another. There were no secrets. NO SECRETS! There were no barriers and no secrets between Adam and Eve. There are meant to be no secrets between a husband and wife.

"You mean, I’m not allowed to just hide that little thing from him that I’ve been doing behind his back?"

No secrets. How can you be one person? That is like the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. I mean it just does not happen in the body. Your body is a unity. You cannot cut your tiny little finger without the rest of the body finding out. If you are to be one, you are to be one in spirit and in soul and in body. You are to flow as one. You are to be so one that you think together, until you get to the point where at times you begin to say the same thing at the same time.

You begin to come up with the same idea at the same time, because you have become one person. You think your thoughts together, you make your plans together, you build your aspirations together. You consider one another the way you consider yourself. Your partner is as important to you. His or her body is as important as your own body. No secrets, no barriers. That is the way God made it.

There was a full sharing of everything. Then what happened? From the moment they sinned suddenly they began to cover up. I have never thought about that before. I mean, who else was there in the garden. Were they covering up from the animals? They covered up from each other. They began to sew figs leaves to make aprons and clothing.

"Yeah, God’s a nudist."

Let’s not get off onto that. The point is, there was no sin. There were no barriers in communication. They could be open with one another. But the moment sin, fear, guilt and evil thinking came in, barriers began to come between the man and the woman.

One of the best illustrations that you may have heard and I have seen so often in the marriage relationship, is to consider the husband and wife and the Lord as the three points of a triangle, with the Lord at the top and the husband and wife at the bottom. As you take those two corners of the triangle, if you move upwards towards the top corner making the triangle smaller, what happens is as you start getting closer to the top, to the corner that represents God, you automatically start getting closer to each other. And the closer you get to God the closer you get to each other. And the further you get away from God the further you get away from each other.

Communication problems are caused by sin. They are caused by failure to be transparent with one another and by a failure to be open and to share everything with your partner. That is where the problems begin, when we begin to walk in darkness instead of in light. The Scripture says, "If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin."

Total Unity

So what is God’s order in summary then? God’s order firstly is that a husband and a wife need to break free of the control and influence of their parents. Then they need to cleave. They need to become united together as one person. There needs to be openness and honesty with each other, each one being aware of what is happening to the other. There needs to be a sharing of everything – physical, material, the thoughts and intents of your heart. Do you share with your partner the thoughts that went through your mind as you lay in bed at night? Have you shared with your partner the lustful thoughts that you have been fighting with? Have you? Oh, you would not dare to do that would you? Why not? Then that person can pray with you and help you to overcome it.

But you struggle and battle along on your own as a separate individual. You each have your own bank accounts. You each have your own vehicle. You each have your own job. You each eventually have your own lives. Where is the unity? Where is the oneness? This World System has pressured the marriage and squeezed us into a mould that is contrary to the Word of God.

If you are going to enter into marriage you are going to have to give up your rights.

People say, "Well, you know marriage is a 50/50. It’s give and take."

No it is not. That is the Old Testament love. "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." The New Testament love is, "Love one another as I have loved you." That means you give your all for that person. That means marriage is 100 percent give on both sides.

It is quite simple, really. It is God’s order. Why? Because God said so? Because God makes us do it? No! Because that is the key to true happiness. That is the key to true success. That is the key to becoming everything that you can be in this world, and in the Lord, and to have full satisfaction in spirit, soul and body. Because you are going to have a partner that is going to add to you everything that is missing from your life. All your weaknesses are going to be overcome by that partner’s strengths. And all your strengths are going to be added to that partner’s weaknesses. And you are going to blend together as one person.

You are together going to become as Adam was originally – in control; totally in control of the earth, dominant. Not just the man dominant. It is man and woman together united as one, the man in leadership but the two becoming one person, until you get to the point where when you speak you speak in ‘we’s’ not in ‘I’s’. Whenever you speak about yourself you end up saying, "We". When you sign your name at the end of a letter you end up signing yours and your wife’s name together, because you have become so one, you have become such a team, that you cannot even conceive of doing without that person. You cannot even conceive about being away for one night away from them. And when you have to do it through business you cannot stand it. You want to get back.

I see married couples going on holidays, taking their vacations separately. I look and I say, "Lord, something’s wrong. That is not a marriage." I could not live without my right hand for a day. Could you? Well how about half of you?

How about we just cut off everything right down the middle? Take half of you off and say, "Okay, you half go that way, and this half will go that way, and we’ll do our own thing."

I cannot do it. And I cannot conceive of me possibly doing anything without my other half. She is part of me. Without her I am incomplete. Without her I cannot function. God has given her to me to fulfil me and to make me one complete person in His image, so that together we can flow as one.

That is the order. That is the way marriage is meant to be. And we are going to show you through this series how to bring your marriage to that place, if you really want it of course. And I think you will want it when you find out all the blessings that are going to be involved.